Mark's Livejournal
In Your Own Time
Some People Think I'm Cute
February, 12th, 2011
Around The World
Location: home
Mood: awkward
Music: Radiohead - Karma Police
Just noticed it has been quite some time since I last updated, sorry guys! It's been extremely busy, y'know? Album promo, video shoot, tour preparations. It's all going very well, extremely well, tbh. Am excited to find out whether our third single off the album will make it to No. 1 as well! Third in a row, how cool would that be? Fingers crossed!
I don't feel too happy, anyway. Mainly because we are about to travel workwise. Japan, Taiwan, Oz. I really like those places, but remembering our last trip there, and the itinerary we're going to have...it makes me freak out a bit. To be completely honest: I'm scared. Shitting a brick. :( Coz lately I'm feeling a bit like the 5th wheel. I'm beginning to get a notion of how Jay must have felt back then, before Rob left...it were always Myself & Rob, and Gaz & Dougie, y'know? (Dunno why everyone always thought it were Dougie & Jay?) However, it's all different now - it's still Gaz & Dougie, and then Rob & Jay. Seriously - Rob & Jay?! How could that happen? They're chatting away about everything under the sun, and they're bickering like an old couple. When did Rob start reading books? And why does Jay let him get away with the ciggies? I want to scream "I feel left out!" nearly all of the time...but how immature is that?? And the way they're looking at each other....I'm almost sure there's something going on, though they're denying that. :(((((
I know what you're about to say, and I know you're right...it's my own fault - I had my chances, I could have told him. There was enough time throughout the last 5 years to tell him I'm madly in love with him, right? Oh, the dubious joys of procrastinating and self-sabotaging - mix them with self-pity and grumpiness and you have a wonderful, miserable little git like me! And who on earth would fall in love with someone like that?! :((
Enough whinging, and I'm sorry for the rant, seriously. Leave me a comment of sympathy anyway? Thanks! *hugs you all*
February, 13th, 2011
How Many Hats?
Location: home
Mood: calm
Music: The Beatles - Ticket To Ride
Hey there, just wanted to let you know I feel a lot better and thanks for your lovely words of consolation. You're all too kind! *hugs you all* We just had a band meeting and for the first time in weeks I didn't feel left out. Maybe I'm exaggerating when it comes to Jay & Rob. I should be glad they're getting along so well this time round, shouldn't I? Need to pack my stuff now - how many hats do I need for a two-week-journey, what'd'ya think? ;)
We're leaving early tomorrow morning - wish me luck!
February, 15th, 2011
Be My Valentine
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Mood: angry
Music: Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name Of
It's official: I hate Japan! I hate Valentine's Day! I hate Rob!
Upon arriving here I felt great! Jay had a terrible headache after the flight and I told the others I'd stay in with him and take care of him, while they went out for dinner. We had a brilliant time together (once the Paracetamol was operating), lying on the bed, watching the Tokyo skyline, munching away on everything sugary in the minibar, talking. We hadn't been properly talking since....I don't even remember when. When he finally fell asleep, I felt so happy and confident and giddy - so I went down to the hotel boutique and ordered the biggest, pink, heart-shaped Valentine's candy box they had in store and asked them to deliver it to his room first thing in the morning. Now or never, I thought. Little did I know. Rob, that stupid sod, had ordered the very same candy box for all of us - as a joke....very, very FUNNY, you tit! When the boutique staff checked the orders and saw 2 candy boxes for Jay's room, they thought it was a FU***** MISTAKE and only delivered one! I so wanted to slain Rob with that effin candy box! And I desperately wanted to throw mine out of the window - but you know what? YOU CAN'T OPEN A SINGLE WINDOW IN THIS WHOLE FRIGGIN HOTEL!
And to make things worse, we had to do our daily routine of being interviewed and photographed. And -as it was Valentine's day- absolutely everybody we met gave us Valentine's day crap - my whole room is now stuffed with candy boxes, singing cards, and flower bouquets. Pink, fluffy stuff is grinning at me from every corner of the room. LIFE IS NOT FAIR!
February, 19th, 2011
All This Talking Through The Night
Location: Taipeh, Taiwan
Mood: calm
Music: something Taiwanese on Taiwanese radio
First things first: thank you all, lovely people, for your support on what I'd like to call "The Tokyo Valentine's Day Desaster"! I'd love to cuddle you all personally, if only I could! *hugs you all*
I'm far better by now, and I've managed to not kill Rob. After all, it's not his fault...
We've left Japan for Taiwan - not that we'd spot the difference, it's just a different hotel in a another huge, hectical city, in a country where everything is a bit more colourful than necessary. I'm mighty tired but I couldn't care less. Me and Jay spend a lot of time being sleepless together. :D He suffers from insomnia, I pretend to suffer from insomnia. ;D It's wonderful, we're talking, and laughing, and eventually cuddling. (Tbh, I pretend to feel cold and insist on him to cuddle me 'til I'm warm...clever, eh?) Gary's moaning, because I'm constantly yawning, and the other day I nearly fell asleep during an interview. I don't mind. I'm having a good time - and who knows? Maybe I'll tell him tonight? I really should, shouldn't I? It's just...I'm scared....what if he doesn't feel the same?? What if I ruin our friendship with my confession?? :(
February, 21st, 2011
How Did It Come To This??
Location: Sydney, Australia
Mood: desperate
Music: can't stand music right now
That's it...the worst of all thinkable finally happened. They're shagging. Rob and Jay. I should've seen it coming, especially after Dougie told me Rob had asked him for lube. I told myself it's just one of Dougie's horrible jokes, but it quite obviously isn't. Not that I'd have proof...it's just...they're all over each other, joking, and touching each other all the time *chokes*, and it's the second night in a row now Jay said he wanted "to sleep" and we didn't talk through the night. I still can't believe it - after all those nights we spent together? All the things he told me about finding true love, and how important a serious relationship was for him, and how he wasn't going for second best anymore? :(((((((((( I feel sooooooo stupid, me. Was I really exaggerating when I thought there were hints and allegations that he loved me too? And now he's started shagging him. He wouldn't do this if he was secretly in love with me, right??? Right! Jay wants Rob, Rob wants Jay, let them be happy! I shouldn't be in their way like the annoying little brother who always wants to know what's going on.
So here I am, heart-broken, devastated, silly me. All alone on the other side of the planet. Seriously: WHAT WAS I THINKING?!? That he would fall in love with me? With ME?!? - I'm crying my heart out when the others can't see it. Rest of the time I pretend to be happy. I don't want them to know. I couldn't stand their pitiful faces. I couldn't stand his pitiful face.
I'm pathetic. Somebody please kill me??
February, 23rd, 2011
Life Goes On
Location: Sydney, Australia
Mood: sad
Music: Everything But The Girl - I Don't Wanna Talk About It
Life goes on - it does! The world keeps on turning as if nothing specific had happened. And in the eyes of the world it hasn’t, so I can’t really blame the world for not stopping with me, can I? Thank you so so much for your affection and support, it's well appreciated. Sorry for being such a miserable git lately. :(
You've asked me how I am? Well, I can hardly breathe. But I’m trying, I really am. It wouldn't be so hard if we weren't this close together, living in each other's pockets. Nowhere I can really hide, even though I'm trying. Today he asked me if I was avoiding him. So he noticed, fuck! But I managed to look at him innocently and asked him “what d’ya mean?” And how silly was that? His answer – of course – killed me again. He said “You know I miss our sleepless nights, Markie.” OMG, OMG, OMG! It was a sheer act of will and it took a lot of energy, but somehow I managed not to start crying. It’s just too much. He can’t have it all. Shag Rob and talk to me. No no, no, no, no!! I can’t stand that. He just can’t ask that of me, can he? So I said “Yeah, I miss our nights, too. It’s all so busy now, innit?” Probably sounded a bit too casual. He looked at me very strangely, but then again, maybe that’s over-exaggerating-me wishful thinking. Yep, that’s it. :((((((((((
God, he looks so happy, when he’s around Rob! He’s all smiles and giddy and happy...and that should make me glad, coz I love him and I want him to be happy, but all I am is green with envy. I'm horrible. I really wish someone would kill me. And still one whole week to go before we get back home...how am I going to survive this??
February, 24th, 2011
Instant Karma
Location: Sydney, Australia
Mood: devastated
Music: no. Silence.
So now it happened. We rowed. Heavily. What happened? Obviously some stupid paparazzi took pictures of me and Jay while we were happily shopping weeks ago back in London. I don't know why, but DM has bought them now and printed some silly story of us being a secret couple. The pictures definitely back that story, though, we look like love-birds, we do! There’s no denying it. The way we look at each other, OMG! And it’s not just me, he’s looking at me that way, too. *sighs heavily* We had a bit of a laugh about it (and as you will probably imagine, that was hard enough for me!), but then Jay turned things worse. We had a couple of single interviews the other day, and one interviewer asked him about that story and he said: “Oh, yeah, that's true. That's not news - of course Mark's my boyfriend. Didn't you know that?” They didn’t get the joke. But Jay didn't notice. Now it's all over Australian media, and in fact all over the internet. Jonathan called up and asked me what the fuck was going on. I of course had no idea. I didn’t even know what he was talking about. Then I found out and thought why the fuck does he call ME and not Jay? I mean, he was the one that blubbered it out?! The lads didn't really bother, except for Rob. I didn't see him all day, I thought he was angry - I'd have been if I were him! Then Jay came over to my room, asking if I was alright? Sure, Jay, I'm ALRIGHT! Boy I was pissed off! And him? Looks at me innocently, with that angelic smile. But I didn’t buy it! Told him he was a knobhead and that I didn’t deserve that, and Rob either. And that I didn’t understand why he’d say something like that!? And what the fuck was going through his mind? And if he thought of Rob if not of me? He looked all confused, and apologized, said "But Markie, it was just a joke...". So I shout "Just a JOKE!?" and I told him to leave and said “I don’t wanna see you right now.” He looked hurt and left. He came back later and asked if we could talk. So I asked “Have you talked to Rob?” And he said: “No, why should I?” And I said: “Are you kidding? He's all confused. You can’t be with him and then say someone else was your boyfriend without an explanation.” And he said: “What d’ya mean, be with him? I’m not with him?” Silence. Then I said, even more confused “What do YOU mean, you’re NOT with him!? Everyone knows you are!” He starts getting mad and hits back “Well, then EVERYONE’s wrong! I’m not with him! God, he's Rob!” Me: “Huh?!” Him: “How can everyone – how can YOU think I might be with Rob?” I started to blush, I suddenly felt very silly and ashamed. Mumbling “I don’t know, it seemed to make sense, someone said you were shagging him and…” Now he’s really angry: “I am NOT ALWAYS shagging EVERYONE that I speak to, I am FUCKING NOT FUCKING AROUND! Why does everyone always THINK that? I’m so tired of that!” Me: “I’m sorry. That was silly.” Suddenly it didn’t seem to be that obvious anymore. Who said they were shagging in the first place? Howard?? That's not really a trustworthy source?? Then Jay said, with the sadest face you can imagine “I thought YOU knew me better than that?” Uh-oh. Turnaround. Backlash. Silence. He left. I’m in trouble, I've screwed up! What do I do now??
February, 25th, 2011
The Day After
Location: Sydney, Australia
Mood: undescribable
Music: Ash - Shining Light
Sorry for yesterday's heavy rant, but I was just so upset! Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. I really can't thank you enough for your undying support and your patience! *hugs you all very tightly* I've taken your advice...so in case you want to know what happened today, please read on... I hadn’t slept a minute since he’d left. I was all edgy and didn’t know where to turn to. I needed to calm down before trying to speak to him, but I just couldn't. God, we’re 39 and 40 years old, behaving like 15-year-olds! I kept thinking: how did we get there? It all went so well before? It did, didn’t it?
So the big question was: should I make the first move or should I wait for him to turn up? Somehow I felt that I needed to approach him this time and that waiting wouldn’t be a good option. He’d come round yesterday, even though he knew he was misunderstood. My turn now. The decision was easy, actually doing it was another thing. I stood in front of his door for ages. I was unable to knock, unable to even raise my arm. Millions of thoughts running through my head, back and forth, and all the way back again. I just couldn’t make my mind up about what exactly to tell him. Apologize, but what for? How to tell him I’m sorry without admitting that I am madly in love with him? How could I be lovely, and not look totally glum although I was aching and full of longing? How could I ever again be the wonderful, laid-back, gleeful Markie he likes so much? I felt like I killed the innocence that was between us. All of a sudden there was a noise on the corridor and I panicked and that was good, because it made me knock on the door. I didn’t want to get caught lingering around his room, urghhh!! So I finally knocked. Long silence. I was veeeeery close to turning on my heels and run for it. But then he finally opened the door, ruffled hair, looking as if he hadn’t had much sleep either. I blushed heavily and completely. And when I say completely, I mean completely. I blushed from my chin to the roots of my hair. Red. RED! He looked at me in a strange way and I couldn’t read him at all, I've not seen him like that ever before... Didn’t help to make me feel more comfortable with the situation, as you may guess. And he didn’t say a word, didn’t even ask me to come in. So I started babbling, all nervous, a huge stream of words, unstoppable. “Uhm, I just came to see, to say, to say sorry, to apologize for, you know, just wanted to see if you were alright, with me, I mean if you were still mad at me, I didn’t mean to hurt you by what I said, I wasn’t thinking, I was angry, and tired, and, uhm, I’m sorry, I should’ve known better, but you see, I was so busy being, uhm, it was just a bit much, all of it, you know, and, uhm, I couldn’t get things straight, you know, and, uhm, you know, I got this thing with Rob all wrong, don’t know why, but it seemed to make sense, you know, somehow?, I don’t know, what I was thinking, I’m sorry. Really sorry...” Well, maybe I didn’t say exactly this, but you get the picture, right? Nervous babblings, urghhh….anyway, he just looked at me, and his eyes were all dark, and sad, and mysterious. I was all flight instinct, oh I wanted to run as quickly as possible and as far as I could! But then finally he said something, “I understand that you were upset. I’m terribly, terribly sorry for not telling you about what I said in that interview, that wasn’t right. I should have known that they wouldn't understand a joke, and you had a right to know that there was going to be mayhem. And you were absolutely right yesterday, when you said that you deserved better. You deserve better...” And then, very silently, “…far better than me.”
Okay. It’s getting really bad now. If you thought my rant from yesterday or the earlier mentioned nervous babblings were unbearable….be warned. It gets worse!
There we stood, him leaning in the doorway, looking miserable. Me uncomfortably lurching around the corridor, nervous. I was thinking, there’s no resolve here, we can’t clear this and get it out of the way. It made me so sad and just when I thought I'd better leave, he broke the silence and said - with an undescribable voice, deep and somehow – broken – “I didn’t think it would upset you so much to be considered as my boyfriend.” Rationally this is one of the silliest things he’s ever said, it’s wrong, it’s loose and it’s ill-founded. It’s completely out of logic – at all! I still don’t know whether he said it, because he wanted to bribe me, hoping that my nervousness would take me over the edge or if it was really what upset him most. Probably he didn’t know himself. Obviously his thoughts were about as clouded as mine and it shows that he's about as insecure and scared about what's happening between us than me. But, mind you, I know this now, as I am calmed down and able to reflect what happened. There and then, on the corridor, I got it all wrong, I wasn’t the least bit able to consider any of what he'd said. I didn’t get angry (“What are you thinking - I’d love to be your boyfriend, you knobhead!”), I didn’t stay cool (“Oh, yeah, that’s my main problem. People thinking that I might be your boyfriend. That would be sooooo horrible.”), I didn’t just punch him in the gut. Noooo, I was so much better than that: I had a nervous breakdown, there and then, crying my eyes out, sobbing. Proof, anyone? Here we go, that’s what I – well, sobbed out – as far as I remember:
“That’s what you’re thinking?! You think that’s my problem?! I thought you were in love with Rob! I wanted to spent time with you, talking, laughing, like we used to. I thought, brilliant, Rob gets that kind of attention now, and lots more, and all I get is a stupid story in the DM. I have nothing. I sit in my room, all alone, sobbing and wailing. I’m 39, goddammit, I don’t wanna be like this! I don’t want any of this! God, I want my life back!” It doesn’t sound too worrying like this, right? But may I remind you, I was sobbing heavily all through this, and when I say heavily I mean heavily. I was literally blubbering out all of this. Heavy tears all over my face, nose running, me nervously trying to wipe the tears off, at least for a while. Somewhere around the “stupid story in the DM”-part he awoke from his agony. He took my hand, he was all calm suddenly, led me into his room, sat me down on the bed, knelt in front of me, looked at me. He grabbed the tissue box from the bedside-table and dried my tears, I think he even made me blow my nose. *cringes* He caressed me, softly, still wiping my tears away. He didn’t say a word, he was just looking at me, and then, when I had finished my rant, he took my face in his hands and did the most unbelievable thing: he kissed me. He didn't say a single word, but just kissed me! He. Kissed. Me.
If you’re still with me I know that this is exactly what you have been waiting for. Right? Right. You want to know two things now:
1. How was the kiss?
2. What happened next?
Answer to No. 1: I don’t have a word for this….it was….awwwww... it was beyond words! I mean, sure, we've kissed before, kind of. But that was all fun and jokes and show. This was the real thing...mind you I had been sobbing heavily and was still rather breathless. So it wasn't really one kiss, he placed a lot of small kisses on my lips to let me catch my breath in between, but still make his point clear. That's so...Jay...innit?? Ever so considerate - even in a situation like this! All the time his hands were softly stroking my face, wiping my tears away, soothing me. All the time he was looking at me, closing his eyes for the kisses only. And they got longer, one by one. Longer and deeper. And as soon as I could catch enough breath again I kissed back, of course I did! I kissed him like there was no tomorrow, like it was the last kiss, you name the chliche, I kissed it! ;D At some point (How many minutes? How many kisses? I couldn’t say…) my brain set in again and I made him stop by nodding my head, mumbling “What are you doing?”. Guess what he did? He laughed, a deep giggle. Then said “You don’t know? It’s called kissing.…“ Giggled at bit more and went on kissing me. Then he slowly moved his hands away from my face to – well, other parts of my body. Leading me to the answer to question No. 2.
Answer to No. 2: You guess. Coz I’m not gonna tell! I'm a gentleman!
But I can tell you something else... We're a proper couple now! I know, coz I asked, afterwards... ;D
"Jay?"
"Yes, Markie?"
"Are we - uhm - a proper couple now?"
"Would you like us to be a proper couple, Mark?"
"Would you?"
"Yes, love."
"Brilliant! Me too!"
"Very good, proper couple it is then! And you know what that means, Mark?"
"Uhm, monogamy?"
"Yeah, that would be swish...but I meant something else..."
"Well, what did you mean, Jay?"
"DM printed a true story for once - and they don't even know it!"
February, 26th, 2011
The Day After The Day After
Location: Sydney, Australia
Mood: happy
Music: Queen - Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Me again. Thank you for your lovely comments! Sorry I couldn’t really reply to any of them. It’s been a very eventful day. All right - I’ll try a sum-up. For you and for my own mental health. ;D
Okay, I left you with the kissing scene. Which was followed by….well, uhm, you know. Mind you, we didn’t do much talking before…well, you know. The moment I left you was on Friday at around 7 a.m.. Maybe I should inform you that we needed to leave at 10 a.m. for the first date of the day’s schedule, so 9 o’clock would’ve been a good time for getting up and getting ready. We failed miserably. At 10 to 9 I said to Jay, “We really have to get up now.” He said “Yeah, definitely.” His actions didn’t mirror his words though. At quarter past nine Paul knocked on the door, “Jason, it’s me, Paul, are you awake?” “Yeah, Paul, I’m awake, thanks.” “We need to leave in 45 minutes, Jay, alright?” „Yeah, alright.“ Bugger! I panicked, I needed to get ready, too. I grabbed a bathrobe, no time to get my sloppily discarded clothes together, kissed the boy and headed to my room. Well….I tried to. I should’ve known - remember that noise on the corridor that made me finally knock on his door? Turns out it was Gaz who was heading to the gym for his daily workout. But when he saw me on the corridor he decided it’d be more fun to watch what happens...and as I didn’t leave Jay's room within a reasonable time, Gaz thought it’d be a brilliant idea to let the others know that there was something going on. So they ordered breakfast and assembled in Rob’s room, which is opposite Jay’s room, door wide open and waited for the show to begin. Bastards! Needless to say that the thought of that is highly ashaming, thinking that they must’ve, uhm, heard us. *blushing* I can only imagine the dirty smiles on their faces and the passing over of money, as of course they had bets on this! And I’m seriously trying to silently sneak out of his room, in a bathrobe only, that isn’t even mine, hair’s a mess, red cheeks, oooohhhh! At least they didn’t applaud, they just sat there, cuppa in hands, nodding at me, having fun. Gaz: “Well, whom have we got here? Good morning, Markie.” Rob: “Morning, laddie! We were just beginning to wonder where you were?” Howard: „Did you sleep well? You look a bit puzzled.“ Rob: „Did you change rooms with Jay, love? I could have sworn this was his room?” Gaz: „Where’s Jay anyway? I haven’t seen him all morning?“ Howard: „Well, he probably is in Mark’s room then?“ And so on. It was good fun – for them. I just stood there and hoped the earth would swallow me. Dearest God, please, help me. It’s hard to keep your dignity when all you’re wearing is a bathrobe and you're full of endorphins! But then my dark knight in shiny armour (well, not really, as he was only wearing his undies!) showed up behind me and said “Are these men molesting you? Let me help you.” Said it and lifted me up and carried me to my room. Aaahhhhh, romantic, innit? :D
Cut. My room, after the rescue-scene. Note the following dialogue to see just how confused I was:
Me: Thank you, you’re my hero.
Him: My pleasure. (trying to kiss me)
Me: I’….m…..so…..rry…..(difficult to speak with his tongue in my mouth, you see?)
Him: Mmmmmh, what you're sorry for? (interesting that he can speak flawlessly without stopping to kiss me!)
Me: (unwrapping myself from his lips to be able to speak clearer) I didn’t know they were there.
Him: So what? Did you think we could keep this secret?
Me: Uhmmm, I don’t know. No, I don’t suppose so. I just didn’t want them to get to know it like this, it’s a bit of an embarrassment, don't you think?
Him: More embarrassing than what they’ve heard earlier on?
Me: (blushing to a very deep red) Whattt…..they’ve…..heard? Uhmmmmmm….
Him: (with difficulty keeping a straight face) Well, we weren’t exactly quiet, were we?
Me: Uhmmm, oh, no…. (remembering the noise)….I’ve gotten completely carried away….oh, no….that’s…
Him: (interrupting me, deep voice) Do not worry, love - you sounded wonderful.
That’s all he said and he left it at that. He just took me in his arms again and kissed me once more and left to get ready. The thought of them all listening still makes me cringe, BUT: isn’t that just the most wonderful thing your lover can say to you in a situation like that? Makes me think that maybe it was one of the better decisions of my life to fall madly in love with him and sleep with him and scream his name out loud while doing so.
However, the show had to go on and I had only 30 minutes left to fix myself. Did it, though. We left for that day’s treadmill, fortunately with a bearable schedule. Of course the lads were grinning like the Cheshire cat all day long, especially Gary, coz I think he hit the jackpot. If you see any of the interviews on youtube you’ll see what I mean! Jay and me were all silly, even though I really tried not to be, but every little chance for an unseen touch or an unnoticed little kiss – we grabbed it. It’s a miracle no one spotted us! Well maybe they were just thinking we were repeating the 90's... ;D The other lot however made up for their early-morning roasting and covered us. They were so lovely and cute! They seem to be really pleased for us, bless 'em! I've even forgiven Howard's crude lube-joke, and Robbie's Valentine's day surprise. I'm all loved up, you see?? ;))))
I know I've driven you all mad, with all the drama lately, and I'm terribly sorry! It's been a real rollercoaster ride... Thank you all so so so very much for your support, and the hugs, and the advice, and for always being on my side - you're fabulous!
I'm soooooo happy I could cry! But I won't! Oh, Jay's coming....gotta go.... Talk to you later! Mark xx
Some People Think I'm Cute
February, 12th, 2011
Around The World
Location: home
Mood: awkward
Music: Radiohead - Karma Police
Just noticed it has been quite some time since I last updated, sorry guys! It's been extremely busy, y'know? Album promo, video shoot, tour preparations. It's all going very well, extremely well, tbh. Am excited to find out whether our third single off the album will make it to No. 1 as well! Third in a row, how cool would that be? Fingers crossed!
I don't feel too happy, anyway. Mainly because we are about to travel workwise. Japan, Taiwan, Oz. I really like those places, but remembering our last trip there, and the itinerary we're going to have...it makes me freak out a bit. To be completely honest: I'm scared. Shitting a brick. :( Coz lately I'm feeling a bit like the 5th wheel. I'm beginning to get a notion of how Jay must have felt back then, before Rob left...it were always Myself & Rob, and Gaz & Dougie, y'know? (Dunno why everyone always thought it were Dougie & Jay?) However, it's all different now - it's still Gaz & Dougie, and then Rob & Jay. Seriously - Rob & Jay?! How could that happen? They're chatting away about everything under the sun, and they're bickering like an old couple. When did Rob start reading books? And why does Jay let him get away with the ciggies? I want to scream "I feel left out!" nearly all of the time...but how immature is that?? And the way they're looking at each other....I'm almost sure there's something going on, though they're denying that. :(((((
I know what you're about to say, and I know you're right...it's my own fault - I had my chances, I could have told him. There was enough time throughout the last 5 years to tell him I'm madly in love with him, right? Oh, the dubious joys of procrastinating and self-sabotaging - mix them with self-pity and grumpiness and you have a wonderful, miserable little git like me! And who on earth would fall in love with someone like that?! :((
Enough whinging, and I'm sorry for the rant, seriously. Leave me a comment of sympathy anyway? Thanks! *hugs you all*
February, 13th, 2011
How Many Hats?
Location: home
Mood: calm
Music: The Beatles - Ticket To Ride
Hey there, just wanted to let you know I feel a lot better and thanks for your lovely words of consolation. You're all too kind! *hugs you all* We just had a band meeting and for the first time in weeks I didn't feel left out. Maybe I'm exaggerating when it comes to Jay & Rob. I should be glad they're getting along so well this time round, shouldn't I? Need to pack my stuff now - how many hats do I need for a two-week-journey, what'd'ya think? ;)
We're leaving early tomorrow morning - wish me luck!
February, 15th, 2011
Be My Valentine
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Mood: angry
Music: Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name Of
It's official: I hate Japan! I hate Valentine's Day! I hate Rob!
Upon arriving here I felt great! Jay had a terrible headache after the flight and I told the others I'd stay in with him and take care of him, while they went out for dinner. We had a brilliant time together (once the Paracetamol was operating), lying on the bed, watching the Tokyo skyline, munching away on everything sugary in the minibar, talking. We hadn't been properly talking since....I don't even remember when. When he finally fell asleep, I felt so happy and confident and giddy - so I went down to the hotel boutique and ordered the biggest, pink, heart-shaped Valentine's candy box they had in store and asked them to deliver it to his room first thing in the morning. Now or never, I thought. Little did I know. Rob, that stupid sod, had ordered the very same candy box for all of us - as a joke....very, very FUNNY, you tit! When the boutique staff checked the orders and saw 2 candy boxes for Jay's room, they thought it was a FU***** MISTAKE and only delivered one! I so wanted to slain Rob with that effin candy box! And I desperately wanted to throw mine out of the window - but you know what? YOU CAN'T OPEN A SINGLE WINDOW IN THIS WHOLE FRIGGIN HOTEL!
And to make things worse, we had to do our daily routine of being interviewed and photographed. And -as it was Valentine's day- absolutely everybody we met gave us Valentine's day crap - my whole room is now stuffed with candy boxes, singing cards, and flower bouquets. Pink, fluffy stuff is grinning at me from every corner of the room. LIFE IS NOT FAIR!
February, 19th, 2011
All This Talking Through The Night
Location: Taipeh, Taiwan
Mood: calm
Music: something Taiwanese on Taiwanese radio
First things first: thank you all, lovely people, for your support on what I'd like to call "The Tokyo Valentine's Day Desaster"! I'd love to cuddle you all personally, if only I could! *hugs you all*
I'm far better by now, and I've managed to not kill Rob. After all, it's not his fault...
We've left Japan for Taiwan - not that we'd spot the difference, it's just a different hotel in a another huge, hectical city, in a country where everything is a bit more colourful than necessary. I'm mighty tired but I couldn't care less. Me and Jay spend a lot of time being sleepless together. :D He suffers from insomnia, I pretend to suffer from insomnia. ;D It's wonderful, we're talking, and laughing, and eventually cuddling. (Tbh, I pretend to feel cold and insist on him to cuddle me 'til I'm warm...clever, eh?) Gary's moaning, because I'm constantly yawning, and the other day I nearly fell asleep during an interview. I don't mind. I'm having a good time - and who knows? Maybe I'll tell him tonight? I really should, shouldn't I? It's just...I'm scared....what if he doesn't feel the same?? What if I ruin our friendship with my confession?? :(
February, 21st, 2011
How Did It Come To This??
Location: Sydney, Australia
Mood: desperate
Music: can't stand music right now
That's it...the worst of all thinkable finally happened. They're shagging. Rob and Jay. I should've seen it coming, especially after Dougie told me Rob had asked him for lube. I told myself it's just one of Dougie's horrible jokes, but it quite obviously isn't. Not that I'd have proof...it's just...they're all over each other, joking, and touching each other all the time *chokes*, and it's the second night in a row now Jay said he wanted "to sleep" and we didn't talk through the night. I still can't believe it - after all those nights we spent together? All the things he told me about finding true love, and how important a serious relationship was for him, and how he wasn't going for second best anymore? :(((((((((( I feel sooooooo stupid, me. Was I really exaggerating when I thought there were hints and allegations that he loved me too? And now he's started shagging him. He wouldn't do this if he was secretly in love with me, right??? Right! Jay wants Rob, Rob wants Jay, let them be happy! I shouldn't be in their way like the annoying little brother who always wants to know what's going on.
So here I am, heart-broken, devastated, silly me. All alone on the other side of the planet. Seriously: WHAT WAS I THINKING?!? That he would fall in love with me? With ME?!? - I'm crying my heart out when the others can't see it. Rest of the time I pretend to be happy. I don't want them to know. I couldn't stand their pitiful faces. I couldn't stand his pitiful face.
I'm pathetic. Somebody please kill me??
February, 23rd, 2011
Life Goes On
Location: Sydney, Australia
Mood: sad
Music: Everything But The Girl - I Don't Wanna Talk About It
Life goes on - it does! The world keeps on turning as if nothing specific had happened. And in the eyes of the world it hasn’t, so I can’t really blame the world for not stopping with me, can I? Thank you so so much for your affection and support, it's well appreciated. Sorry for being such a miserable git lately. :(
You've asked me how I am? Well, I can hardly breathe. But I’m trying, I really am. It wouldn't be so hard if we weren't this close together, living in each other's pockets. Nowhere I can really hide, even though I'm trying. Today he asked me if I was avoiding him. So he noticed, fuck! But I managed to look at him innocently and asked him “what d’ya mean?” And how silly was that? His answer – of course – killed me again. He said “You know I miss our sleepless nights, Markie.” OMG, OMG, OMG! It was a sheer act of will and it took a lot of energy, but somehow I managed not to start crying. It’s just too much. He can’t have it all. Shag Rob and talk to me. No no, no, no, no!! I can’t stand that. He just can’t ask that of me, can he? So I said “Yeah, I miss our nights, too. It’s all so busy now, innit?” Probably sounded a bit too casual. He looked at me very strangely, but then again, maybe that’s over-exaggerating-me wishful thinking. Yep, that’s it. :((((((((((
God, he looks so happy, when he’s around Rob! He’s all smiles and giddy and happy...and that should make me glad, coz I love him and I want him to be happy, but all I am is green with envy. I'm horrible. I really wish someone would kill me. And still one whole week to go before we get back home...how am I going to survive this??
February, 24th, 2011
Instant Karma
Location: Sydney, Australia
Mood: devastated
Music: no. Silence.
So now it happened. We rowed. Heavily. What happened? Obviously some stupid paparazzi took pictures of me and Jay while we were happily shopping weeks ago back in London. I don't know why, but DM has bought them now and printed some silly story of us being a secret couple. The pictures definitely back that story, though, we look like love-birds, we do! There’s no denying it. The way we look at each other, OMG! And it’s not just me, he’s looking at me that way, too. *sighs heavily* We had a bit of a laugh about it (and as you will probably imagine, that was hard enough for me!), but then Jay turned things worse. We had a couple of single interviews the other day, and one interviewer asked him about that story and he said: “Oh, yeah, that's true. That's not news - of course Mark's my boyfriend. Didn't you know that?” They didn’t get the joke. But Jay didn't notice. Now it's all over Australian media, and in fact all over the internet. Jonathan called up and asked me what the fuck was going on. I of course had no idea. I didn’t even know what he was talking about. Then I found out and thought why the fuck does he call ME and not Jay? I mean, he was the one that blubbered it out?! The lads didn't really bother, except for Rob. I didn't see him all day, I thought he was angry - I'd have been if I were him! Then Jay came over to my room, asking if I was alright? Sure, Jay, I'm ALRIGHT! Boy I was pissed off! And him? Looks at me innocently, with that angelic smile. But I didn’t buy it! Told him he was a knobhead and that I didn’t deserve that, and Rob either. And that I didn’t understand why he’d say something like that!? And what the fuck was going through his mind? And if he thought of Rob if not of me? He looked all confused, and apologized, said "But Markie, it was just a joke...". So I shout "Just a JOKE!?" and I told him to leave and said “I don’t wanna see you right now.” He looked hurt and left. He came back later and asked if we could talk. So I asked “Have you talked to Rob?” And he said: “No, why should I?” And I said: “Are you kidding? He's all confused. You can’t be with him and then say someone else was your boyfriend without an explanation.” And he said: “What d’ya mean, be with him? I’m not with him?” Silence. Then I said, even more confused “What do YOU mean, you’re NOT with him!? Everyone knows you are!” He starts getting mad and hits back “Well, then EVERYONE’s wrong! I’m not with him! God, he's Rob!” Me: “Huh?!” Him: “How can everyone – how can YOU think I might be with Rob?” I started to blush, I suddenly felt very silly and ashamed. Mumbling “I don’t know, it seemed to make sense, someone said you were shagging him and…” Now he’s really angry: “I am NOT ALWAYS shagging EVERYONE that I speak to, I am FUCKING NOT FUCKING AROUND! Why does everyone always THINK that? I’m so tired of that!” Me: “I’m sorry. That was silly.” Suddenly it didn’t seem to be that obvious anymore. Who said they were shagging in the first place? Howard?? That's not really a trustworthy source?? Then Jay said, with the sadest face you can imagine “I thought YOU knew me better than that?” Uh-oh. Turnaround. Backlash. Silence. He left. I’m in trouble, I've screwed up! What do I do now??
February, 25th, 2011
The Day After
Location: Sydney, Australia
Mood: undescribable
Music: Ash - Shining Light
Sorry for yesterday's heavy rant, but I was just so upset! Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. I really can't thank you enough for your undying support and your patience! *hugs you all very tightly* I've taken your advice...so in case you want to know what happened today, please read on... I hadn’t slept a minute since he’d left. I was all edgy and didn’t know where to turn to. I needed to calm down before trying to speak to him, but I just couldn't. God, we’re 39 and 40 years old, behaving like 15-year-olds! I kept thinking: how did we get there? It all went so well before? It did, didn’t it?
So the big question was: should I make the first move or should I wait for him to turn up? Somehow I felt that I needed to approach him this time and that waiting wouldn’t be a good option. He’d come round yesterday, even though he knew he was misunderstood. My turn now. The decision was easy, actually doing it was another thing. I stood in front of his door for ages. I was unable to knock, unable to even raise my arm. Millions of thoughts running through my head, back and forth, and all the way back again. I just couldn’t make my mind up about what exactly to tell him. Apologize, but what for? How to tell him I’m sorry without admitting that I am madly in love with him? How could I be lovely, and not look totally glum although I was aching and full of longing? How could I ever again be the wonderful, laid-back, gleeful Markie he likes so much? I felt like I killed the innocence that was between us. All of a sudden there was a noise on the corridor and I panicked and that was good, because it made me knock on the door. I didn’t want to get caught lingering around his room, urghhh!! So I finally knocked. Long silence. I was veeeeery close to turning on my heels and run for it. But then he finally opened the door, ruffled hair, looking as if he hadn’t had much sleep either. I blushed heavily and completely. And when I say completely, I mean completely. I blushed from my chin to the roots of my hair. Red. RED! He looked at me in a strange way and I couldn’t read him at all, I've not seen him like that ever before... Didn’t help to make me feel more comfortable with the situation, as you may guess. And he didn’t say a word, didn’t even ask me to come in. So I started babbling, all nervous, a huge stream of words, unstoppable. “Uhm, I just came to see, to say, to say sorry, to apologize for, you know, just wanted to see if you were alright, with me, I mean if you were still mad at me, I didn’t mean to hurt you by what I said, I wasn’t thinking, I was angry, and tired, and, uhm, I’m sorry, I should’ve known better, but you see, I was so busy being, uhm, it was just a bit much, all of it, you know, and, uhm, I couldn’t get things straight, you know, and, uhm, you know, I got this thing with Rob all wrong, don’t know why, but it seemed to make sense, you know, somehow?, I don’t know, what I was thinking, I’m sorry. Really sorry...” Well, maybe I didn’t say exactly this, but you get the picture, right? Nervous babblings, urghhh….anyway, he just looked at me, and his eyes were all dark, and sad, and mysterious. I was all flight instinct, oh I wanted to run as quickly as possible and as far as I could! But then finally he said something, “I understand that you were upset. I’m terribly, terribly sorry for not telling you about what I said in that interview, that wasn’t right. I should have known that they wouldn't understand a joke, and you had a right to know that there was going to be mayhem. And you were absolutely right yesterday, when you said that you deserved better. You deserve better...” And then, very silently, “…far better than me.”
Okay. It’s getting really bad now. If you thought my rant from yesterday or the earlier mentioned nervous babblings were unbearable….be warned. It gets worse!
There we stood, him leaning in the doorway, looking miserable. Me uncomfortably lurching around the corridor, nervous. I was thinking, there’s no resolve here, we can’t clear this and get it out of the way. It made me so sad and just when I thought I'd better leave, he broke the silence and said - with an undescribable voice, deep and somehow – broken – “I didn’t think it would upset you so much to be considered as my boyfriend.” Rationally this is one of the silliest things he’s ever said, it’s wrong, it’s loose and it’s ill-founded. It’s completely out of logic – at all! I still don’t know whether he said it, because he wanted to bribe me, hoping that my nervousness would take me over the edge or if it was really what upset him most. Probably he didn’t know himself. Obviously his thoughts were about as clouded as mine and it shows that he's about as insecure and scared about what's happening between us than me. But, mind you, I know this now, as I am calmed down and able to reflect what happened. There and then, on the corridor, I got it all wrong, I wasn’t the least bit able to consider any of what he'd said. I didn’t get angry (“What are you thinking - I’d love to be your boyfriend, you knobhead!”), I didn’t stay cool (“Oh, yeah, that’s my main problem. People thinking that I might be your boyfriend. That would be sooooo horrible.”), I didn’t just punch him in the gut. Noooo, I was so much better than that: I had a nervous breakdown, there and then, crying my eyes out, sobbing. Proof, anyone? Here we go, that’s what I – well, sobbed out – as far as I remember:
“That’s what you’re thinking?! You think that’s my problem?! I thought you were in love with Rob! I wanted to spent time with you, talking, laughing, like we used to. I thought, brilliant, Rob gets that kind of attention now, and lots more, and all I get is a stupid story in the DM. I have nothing. I sit in my room, all alone, sobbing and wailing. I’m 39, goddammit, I don’t wanna be like this! I don’t want any of this! God, I want my life back!” It doesn’t sound too worrying like this, right? But may I remind you, I was sobbing heavily all through this, and when I say heavily I mean heavily. I was literally blubbering out all of this. Heavy tears all over my face, nose running, me nervously trying to wipe the tears off, at least for a while. Somewhere around the “stupid story in the DM”-part he awoke from his agony. He took my hand, he was all calm suddenly, led me into his room, sat me down on the bed, knelt in front of me, looked at me. He grabbed the tissue box from the bedside-table and dried my tears, I think he even made me blow my nose. *cringes* He caressed me, softly, still wiping my tears away. He didn’t say a word, he was just looking at me, and then, when I had finished my rant, he took my face in his hands and did the most unbelievable thing: he kissed me. He didn't say a single word, but just kissed me! He. Kissed. Me.
If you’re still with me I know that this is exactly what you have been waiting for. Right? Right. You want to know two things now:
1. How was the kiss?
2. What happened next?
Answer to No. 1: I don’t have a word for this….it was….awwwww... it was beyond words! I mean, sure, we've kissed before, kind of. But that was all fun and jokes and show. This was the real thing...mind you I had been sobbing heavily and was still rather breathless. So it wasn't really one kiss, he placed a lot of small kisses on my lips to let me catch my breath in between, but still make his point clear. That's so...Jay...innit?? Ever so considerate - even in a situation like this! All the time his hands were softly stroking my face, wiping my tears away, soothing me. All the time he was looking at me, closing his eyes for the kisses only. And they got longer, one by one. Longer and deeper. And as soon as I could catch enough breath again I kissed back, of course I did! I kissed him like there was no tomorrow, like it was the last kiss, you name the chliche, I kissed it! ;D At some point (How many minutes? How many kisses? I couldn’t say…) my brain set in again and I made him stop by nodding my head, mumbling “What are you doing?”. Guess what he did? He laughed, a deep giggle. Then said “You don’t know? It’s called kissing.…“ Giggled at bit more and went on kissing me. Then he slowly moved his hands away from my face to – well, other parts of my body. Leading me to the answer to question No. 2.
Answer to No. 2: You guess. Coz I’m not gonna tell! I'm a gentleman!
But I can tell you something else... We're a proper couple now! I know, coz I asked, afterwards... ;D
"Jay?"
"Yes, Markie?"
"Are we - uhm - a proper couple now?"
"Would you like us to be a proper couple, Mark?"
"Would you?"
"Yes, love."
"Brilliant! Me too!"
"Very good, proper couple it is then! And you know what that means, Mark?"
"Uhm, monogamy?"
"Yeah, that would be swish...but I meant something else..."
"Well, what did you mean, Jay?"
"DM printed a true story for once - and they don't even know it!"
February, 26th, 2011
The Day After The Day After
Location: Sydney, Australia
Mood: happy
Music: Queen - Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Me again. Thank you for your lovely comments! Sorry I couldn’t really reply to any of them. It’s been a very eventful day. All right - I’ll try a sum-up. For you and for my own mental health. ;D
Okay, I left you with the kissing scene. Which was followed by….well, uhm, you know. Mind you, we didn’t do much talking before…well, you know. The moment I left you was on Friday at around 7 a.m.. Maybe I should inform you that we needed to leave at 10 a.m. for the first date of the day’s schedule, so 9 o’clock would’ve been a good time for getting up and getting ready. We failed miserably. At 10 to 9 I said to Jay, “We really have to get up now.” He said “Yeah, definitely.” His actions didn’t mirror his words though. At quarter past nine Paul knocked on the door, “Jason, it’s me, Paul, are you awake?” “Yeah, Paul, I’m awake, thanks.” “We need to leave in 45 minutes, Jay, alright?” „Yeah, alright.“ Bugger! I panicked, I needed to get ready, too. I grabbed a bathrobe, no time to get my sloppily discarded clothes together, kissed the boy and headed to my room. Well….I tried to. I should’ve known - remember that noise on the corridor that made me finally knock on his door? Turns out it was Gaz who was heading to the gym for his daily workout. But when he saw me on the corridor he decided it’d be more fun to watch what happens...and as I didn’t leave Jay's room within a reasonable time, Gaz thought it’d be a brilliant idea to let the others know that there was something going on. So they ordered breakfast and assembled in Rob’s room, which is opposite Jay’s room, door wide open and waited for the show to begin. Bastards! Needless to say that the thought of that is highly ashaming, thinking that they must’ve, uhm, heard us. *blushing* I can only imagine the dirty smiles on their faces and the passing over of money, as of course they had bets on this! And I’m seriously trying to silently sneak out of his room, in a bathrobe only, that isn’t even mine, hair’s a mess, red cheeks, oooohhhh! At least they didn’t applaud, they just sat there, cuppa in hands, nodding at me, having fun. Gaz: “Well, whom have we got here? Good morning, Markie.” Rob: “Morning, laddie! We were just beginning to wonder where you were?” Howard: „Did you sleep well? You look a bit puzzled.“ Rob: „Did you change rooms with Jay, love? I could have sworn this was his room?” Gaz: „Where’s Jay anyway? I haven’t seen him all morning?“ Howard: „Well, he probably is in Mark’s room then?“ And so on. It was good fun – for them. I just stood there and hoped the earth would swallow me. Dearest God, please, help me. It’s hard to keep your dignity when all you’re wearing is a bathrobe and you're full of endorphins! But then my dark knight in shiny armour (well, not really, as he was only wearing his undies!) showed up behind me and said “Are these men molesting you? Let me help you.” Said it and lifted me up and carried me to my room. Aaahhhhh, romantic, innit? :D
Cut. My room, after the rescue-scene. Note the following dialogue to see just how confused I was:
Me: Thank you, you’re my hero.
Him: My pleasure. (trying to kiss me)
Me: I’….m…..so…..rry…..(difficult to speak with his tongue in my mouth, you see?)
Him: Mmmmmh, what you're sorry for? (interesting that he can speak flawlessly without stopping to kiss me!)
Me: (unwrapping myself from his lips to be able to speak clearer) I didn’t know they were there.
Him: So what? Did you think we could keep this secret?
Me: Uhmmm, I don’t know. No, I don’t suppose so. I just didn’t want them to get to know it like this, it’s a bit of an embarrassment, don't you think?
Him: More embarrassing than what they’ve heard earlier on?
Me: (blushing to a very deep red) Whattt…..they’ve…..heard? Uhmmmmmm….
Him: (with difficulty keeping a straight face) Well, we weren’t exactly quiet, were we?
Me: Uhmmm, oh, no…. (remembering the noise)….I’ve gotten completely carried away….oh, no….that’s…
Him: (interrupting me, deep voice) Do not worry, love - you sounded wonderful.
That’s all he said and he left it at that. He just took me in his arms again and kissed me once more and left to get ready. The thought of them all listening still makes me cringe, BUT: isn’t that just the most wonderful thing your lover can say to you in a situation like that? Makes me think that maybe it was one of the better decisions of my life to fall madly in love with him and sleep with him and scream his name out loud while doing so.
However, the show had to go on and I had only 30 minutes left to fix myself. Did it, though. We left for that day’s treadmill, fortunately with a bearable schedule. Of course the lads were grinning like the Cheshire cat all day long, especially Gary, coz I think he hit the jackpot. If you see any of the interviews on youtube you’ll see what I mean! Jay and me were all silly, even though I really tried not to be, but every little chance for an unseen touch or an unnoticed little kiss – we grabbed it. It’s a miracle no one spotted us! Well maybe they were just thinking we were repeating the 90's... ;D The other lot however made up for their early-morning roasting and covered us. They were so lovely and cute! They seem to be really pleased for us, bless 'em! I've even forgiven Howard's crude lube-joke, and Robbie's Valentine's day surprise. I'm all loved up, you see?? ;))))
I know I've driven you all mad, with all the drama lately, and I'm terribly sorry! It's been a real rollercoaster ride... Thank you all so so so very much for your support, and the hugs, and the advice, and for always being on my side - you're fabulous!
I'm soooooo happy I could cry! But I won't! Oh, Jay's coming....gotta go.... Talk to you later! Mark xx
